Sorry

Sorry I haven't posted in a while I have been so busy with my daily life and struggling with my little as she is being a pain in the butt she is refusing to change her clothes its driving me nuts.

The single parent struggle

I am a single mother I don't get help from my daughters (sperm donor) as we call him. He hasn't seen her since she was 7 months old and even then he had only seen her a few times before then. I live with my parents because I can't at this point afford to live on my own between daycare and diapers there is just no way I could swing it. I'm currently trying to save up for a down payment on a house so that I can move out of my parents house I don't want to have to share a bedroom with my child when she is 3 or 4. I hate the situation in in but I wouldn't trade my daughter for the world. I got paid today and as soon as that was in my account it was gone. I'm thinking I need another job or something but then I hardly see my girl as it is. I just really need my business to start bringing in more money to make me feel better about everything. I'm hoping that it will get really busy soon as the weather gets nicer so hopefully in the next month or so. 

Getting my Sh*t together

Finally getting my Sh*t together! Went the other day and got my G1 license its been a long time coming and I've been needing to do it for years. Finally convinced myself that no time was like the present. Next on my list was to get mine and Loves room organized yes we share a room it's hard but there are no other options right now. I'm switching things around from being baby friendly to toddler friendly setting up a play area and places for her to put things away to start a cleanup chore type system. At this point Love is pretty good at cleaning she loves throwing things in the garbage which at times can be a problem she tends to throw things away that shouldn't be but we are working on that. Well better get back to this whole organizing thing before time runs out. 

Work

My child is so much fun right now she does silly little faces and laughs her ass off at the dumbest things. She's always wanting to dance and fool around and I hate that I have to miss out on this most days. Love goes to daycare during the day so In the morning I have maybe 20 minutes with her if I'm lucky. Then on a normal day I wouldn't see her till the next day due to the fact that I work mostly nights. I love when I get to make my own hours at work and can come in at 8am and leave to go get Love from daycare and have the night to spend with her. I'm hoping that in the next few months I can start working more days so I have more time with my girl. Plus then I'm not feeling like I'm sending my kid to daycare for nothing. 

What I'm listening to!

SO I thought I would do something a little different. The other day I decided to download some new music as I haven't done that in a really long time and my music was in dire need of updating. So heres  a list of what I'm currently listening too. Warning it may not be your taste in music!

- Budapest by George Ezra
- Work Song by Hozier
- Believe by Mumford & Sons
- Bungalow by Scott Helman
- Sound of your heart by Shawn Hook
- Rule the world by Walk off the Earth
- Hopeless Opus by Imagine Dragons
- Geronimo by Sheppard
- Stolen Dance by Milky Chance
- Take me to church by Hozier
- I'm so sorry by Imagine Dragons

So this is what I'm listening too I did download the whole Hozier Album and Imagine Dragons Album they are 2 of my favourite artists right now Imagine Dragons being the top! Seriously in love with Imagine Dragons but not in the stocking sense just in the I love there music and listen to it more than anything else. Well I hope you find something you like in this list!!

What do you tell your child???

One thing I have asked myself countless times is what am I going to tell my daughter when she gets older and starts asking why she doesn't have a father. Really though what do you tell you kid. I can't be like well your father abandoned us and didn't want to have anything to do with you. Ya no I can't tell my kid that. I also don't want to lie to her even though it would be easier to just say he's dead. There are no pictures of them together he's only ever seen her 6 times which accumulates to about 8 hrs in almost 2 years. He honestly knows nothing about her and has no idea how amazing and smart she is. I hate him so much not for what he did to me but what he has done to my little girl. The greatest thing I have in my life. She is honestly the greatest gift he ever gave me and I thank him for that. as much as I love that he isn't apart of our lives it's really hard knowing that he's out there spending time with his other kid he had while cheating on me and could care less about our child the one he actually planned and then turned his back on. I guess as time goes on I will figure it out. right now she calls me mommy and daddy. In this day in age I guess it's normal not to have 2 parents or to have a broken home. I honestly never imagined this life for my child I always thought my child would grow up like I did with my parents happily married for years with full blood siblings and not a bunch of half siblings some of which she will never know. Hopefully I have and will be able to give her enough love to make up for everything. 

Depression

So one thing I have almost always had to deal with in my teen/adult life is depression. I have a major depressive disorder so it comes and goes sometimes worse then others. I have been really good in the last few years not letting myself get too deep into it. I find lately that its getting really hard not to let it get to me. So I decided to make some changes in my life that will improve it. I have started cleaning out my room and getting rid of things that I don't need cluttering my life anymore. I'm also going to go this week and finally see if I can get my license! I have been putting that one off for forever but I think its time. I think some days things just feel so overwhelming and you just need to step back re-evaluate and figure out your next more!